Craven
by sdl64533
Summary: SPOILER ALERT! Set *during* "The Return" which -as if you didn't know- was the first episode of the highly anticipated second season of The Vampire Diaries  TVD .


Craven

Author's Note

**Warning!** for swearing. (We are going inside Damon's head when he is in a nasty, dark mood. You have been warned.) Also, this author's note has not been beta'ed (proofread).

**SPOILER ALERT!** Set during "The Return" which aired last week. "The Return" (as if you didn't know) was the first episode of the highly anticipated second season of The Vampire Diaries (TVD). This is the scene I envision having happened between Damon finding out Katherine doesn't love him and going to see Elaina. Slightly AU, only because I am snatching Damon's shape-shifting into a bird ability from the original books but stayed primarily within the televised version of canon for the purposes of this fan fiction.

**Updated!** I am updating this fic with the beta'ed version of this one-shot, courtesy of Tabetha (u/79698/PaintedTeacherLady) who fixed this up for me without even knowing me. Thanks (and kudos for excellence).

- . - . -

Among the Indians (as he could never quite remember to call them Native Americans) the raven was a shape-shifter and a master of illusion. He was a trickster that could see all and find things that were hidden. The raven had no sense of time and lived in the Void, having the ability to move through the past, present and future at the same time. People like his father believed that witches used the symbol of the raven's foot to cast death spells, which actually might be true. In Alaska the Tanaina Tribe had called him Chuylen, the crow, because he had shape-shifted from the state of a crow into a young handsome man and back again. In either form, he had tricked people into getting what he desired.

I am the raven, Damon thought.

He had stalked the girl Elaina while wearing his feathered alter ego and he had charmed her, and scared her not a little bit, as a man. In both forms he considered himself a vampire.

Damon knew, through those wily ways of his, that Elaina thought he believed everything he'd done in his long life to have been done for love. That wasn't completely true, but she had always been catching him off guard with her insightful comments. There were things Damon had done that he wasn't proud of and whether he let himself feel the guilt or not, he knew it was there.  
Always there, Damon thought darkly, and almost as insufferable as the loneliness.

During the century and a half he had spent longing for Katherine, he had, for the most part, convinced himself that it was worth it. The years spent alone and the guilt he knew he would feel if he ever allowed himself to feel again would be worth it in the end. Damon had thought that whatever he had to endure would only make his reunion with her all that much more precious and romantic.

There wasn't anything precious or romantic about that bitch, he thought as his rage and disappointment threatened to overwhelm him. After Katherine had finally told him the truth, he could not bear the sight of her; he couldn't even bear the sight of himself. Damon's thoughts felt gnarled and angry, like blood spilled for hatred. Another part of him felt weak. He'd been such a fool!

He knew where he needed to be if he wanted to keep those thoughts of blood and hate from becoming reality. In fact, it was even dutifully necessary since he knew with Katherine in town Elaina would be in more danger than ever. So, Damon had shifted into a black feathered beast of a bird; he was on his way to Elaina. Whenever feeling things became too much for him, or whenever the onslaught of emotion became too much for him, he had found solace with Elaina.

At first Damon had thought that it was only because she looked so much like Katherine that he could find peace with her. It hadn't taken long for him to realize that Elaina did not remind him of Katherine at all, no matter what she looked like on the outside. There was this light inside her that just... it just made everything so clear... finally. He didn't blame his brother for loving her when he could hardly seem to help but do the same. He just so badly wanted to be the one that someone loved.

Damon knew Stephan better than Stephan knew himself. Stephan had always been the little boy who had tried so hard to please and impress Father. He had never been able to do anything right from the start; although, when Stephan had done everything right he had never really been loved by their father, any more than Damon had been loved. Stephan liked to tell the lie that he did good because it was the right thing to do and for no other reason, as if having a self-serving reason made a person unforgivably horrible.

Damon thought Stephan had reasons that were self-serving in his own way. He wanted to be loved; still, he wanted so badly to be loved. Damon knew his brother deserved Elaina. Damon knew that being around and trying to tempt Elaina as much as he did was not helping Stephan at all. They both lived with this eternal self-doubt, a belief instilled in them by their father's callousness: they weren't really the kind of people that anyone could or would love without a reason.

But damn it, Damon raged internally, I deserve her, too. She must see through that lie. She must know that Stephan and I aren't that different.

- . - . -

Later that night, as Damon stared at the fireplace with a drink in his hand, he considered the facts as he knew them. Katherine didn't love him and never had. Elaina didn't love him and never had. He didn't buy that Stephan was right; just because you were good didn't mean you would be loved. Love was something freely given, not earned, and if someone didn't love you when you stopped being perfect - they had never really loved you.

Damon glared at the flames and threw his glass against the hearth. Fuck it, he thought, if I can't be loved and I can't be good then I might as well be hateful and evil.

- . - . -


End file.
